Guidos animated fist pumping

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Guest Rant!

This is a GFP first, but one of our illustrious fist pumpers wrote up a rant to post and you know what, we’re gonna post it. Thanks to Andy G from Fringe Magazine for your commentary. Fitting for today.


In the current economy, many people are still struggling to make a living. Back in January of this year, the unemployment rate in Oregon was 11 percent. At that time, a spokesperson in the Oregon Employment Department said about 40 percent of new jobs will pay under $30,000 a year, and about 25
percent will pay over $50,000 a year. In other words, the lower paying jobs were growing more rapidly than the higher paying jobs. But if you’re a fist-pumping Guido who looks like you’ve been sunbathing on the surface of Mercury, never again will you have to settle for Fazoli’s when Olive Garden is really what you wanted. In a move as ballsy as that of the Friends cast, the Jersey Shore gang has ended their collective contract dispute with MTV. The cast, which includes such personalities as The Situation, Snooki, J-Woww, Pauly D, and Stephen Hawking (just kidding, though he has flirted with a stint on Celebrity Rehab), is now set to pull down about $30,000 per episode. Each. That’s disparaging news to someone working at The Container Store in Portland, where it will take a year to make the same amount as The Situation makes in one solid hour of GTL. For those who do not watch the show, GTL is Guido code for Gym, Tan, and Laundry. If you guessed Gasconade, Tabanid, and Languor, you probably shouldn’t be watching Jersey Shore. The show’s production company disagreed with the strike, and a source close to the show says if push comes to shove, they are willing to dump the cast and start from scratch. Does this mean it’s the end for Captain Abdominal? Maybe not. According to reports, MTV has already offered The Situation a one-time $60,000-$180,000 bonus if he signs on for a possible fourth season.

For $180,000, The Situation can afford a 158-year membership to Crunch Gym, about 2,600 Level 3 Unlimited Month tanning packages at Half-Baked Tanning in Port Monmouth, NJ, and 138 top-loading washer/dryer combos. Basically, a metric Crapton of GTL. Maybe these exorbitant salaries will mark the beginning of the end for reality TV on MTV. Maybe the network will no longer have the cash to pay its stars because of the bar set by Jersey Shore. After all, wasn’t it Heidi Montag’s outrageous plastic surgery bill that caused such a horrible ending to The Hills? We wouldn’t want the same thing to happen to Jersey Shore, would we? Imagine the show ending with all of them going to college or getting real jobs. Scary! Not to fear, there is a ray of light at the end of the Cannelloni. MTV is almost out of money.

They must be, because earlier this week, MTV announced 30 new episodes of Beavis and
Butthead are in the works. Hopefully Remote Control isn’t far behind in the resurrection
So I say Grazie, Jersey Shore, Grazie.